Monthly Archive: December 2008

WE ARE THE MORON BROTHERS

Bad Writing in Movies

LEST we forget, movies and TV shows get written too. And plays. And advertising jingles—the term writing covers a lot of ground, some of it sad and strewn with rotting carcasses, some of it merry and lined with beautiful gardens. This wide field means there’s also a lot of room for bad writing, about which Your Humble Correspondent here knows entirely too much.

When you do something on a professional level, you tend to lose some of your wonder for it. It’s an unfortunate consequence: Magicians don’t get wide-eyed when cards are made to disappear, computer programmers don’t get excited when email pops up on their screens, and writers wince and groan a lot when terrible dialog afflicts our television shows, books, or movies. We see the connective tissue, and we know all the tricks.

Normally, I can keep my mouth shut. Normally, I can manage to swallow clunky lines that fall to the ground with an ear-popping thud. Normally, I can handle a surfeit of cliche and a heavy hand with the purple—this because I am a firm believer in the Rules of Polite Society, that web of semi-transparent rules that keeps our world functioning, and one of those rules is that you don’t bother other folks with endless snobbish assessments of the quality of your entertainments. We’re writers, after all; for a lot of us, the reason we started writing in the first place was dissatsifaction with the stuff on TV and in the theaters, leading us to try and do it right.

Recently, though, I’m losing control of my temper when it comes to one time-honored tradition of Bad Writing: The Moron Line.

<tiny fists of rage>

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Sweet Romance

Ugh, Monday.

Mondays are good for random thoughts. Here’s one:

I’ve never watched the new Battlestar Galactica. I watched the original when I was a kid, and I remember really digging it for a while, and I still think the Cylon design was great. But I have this weird disease when it comes to anything new: I regard it with extreme distrust until someone convinces me it really is good. I think this is a reaction to marketing – I’m convinced that whenever I’m hearing buzz about a great new show/movie/album/book, what I’m really hearing is advertising of some sort.

Then, when someone finally does convince me that something is really good, two years have gone by. It’s sad. I’m like that dimwitted hillbilly who won’t sign nothin’ because he’s convinced he’s being fleeced.

So, when the reboot of BSG came out, I ignored it. I keep hearing how good it is, but it’s just off my radar. I like what I’ve heard, and recently watched a recap over on scifi.com (here) and it does look good. I might one day fire up the dusty DVD player that doesn’t see much use these days and check it out.

One thing that I noticed in this recap is how much of the story is devoted to the romantic entanglements of the characters. I always find this a bit dull in SF/F works. Now, I know that you want your characters to appear human and thus have emotions etc., sure, but I don’t read SF in order to have lukewarm romance, I read/watch it for the frakin’ aliens and technology and mind-warping concepts. I don’t object to the characters being distracted by relationships – indeed, of course, the characterizations are deepened and made more believable and the plotting complicated by the complex relationships – but I also think stories, especially serials, get bogged down by it. Once you introduce a romance to the mix, it can send out silky tendrils through your whole story until you suddenly realize the last 4 chapters were devoted solely to your protagonist staring out a window, sighing.

This of course is not necessarily fair to BSG, which may have a perfectly balanced storyline that uses romance and interpersonal relationships to make the story that much deeper and more satisfying. But then, Mondays are for random thoughts, not fairness.

“The Electric Church” in Russia

A long time ago, (July 2007, in fact) I mentioned that we’d sold Russian rights for The Electric Church. I had a lot of contact with the translator hired for the job, who is very smart and funny. She asked me lots of questions trying to pin down the right coloring for slang and technology, and I really enjoyed our email exchanges.

She recently emailed me with the good news that the book is out: “Good news! The Electric Church has been officially published in Russia. I found the info with the cover in the publisher’s catalogue . . . For some reason, the publishing house added another title to the book. It goes like this: “To kill an Immortal, or the Electric Church“. I have no idea why, but this is none of my doing :)”

She’s promised to keep me updated on Russian reviews, which is awfully nice of her. Her Translator School’s web site with the book info posted is here, though it’s in Russian. She also kindly provided to me her commentary posted on the site about her experience translating the book, which is fascinating:

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Sleepy

I am not a morning person.

Someday – possibly during the aforementioned Coffee Apocalypse – I may in fact be forced to start hunting down those of you who are, indeed, Morning People, and destroying you. (I just read a book on Operation Barbarossa and have been infected with the word “destroy”, which is used constantly by German Generals as in We plan to surround the 17th Red Army and destroy it.)

I used to think I wanted to eliminate sleep from my life – like, if they invented a way to safely never sleep again. I was fascinated by the time I’d get back. Hours and hours, every day! I’m a guy who needs 8 hours every night. If I skimp even a little, I feel like a dead man for days afterward, so the idea of getting back 1/3 of my life through modern chemistry or dangerously experimental brain surgery seemed attractive. Nowadays, not so much – I like sleep. I guess this is part of getting older. When I was 20, not sleeping meant more time for boozing and carousing mixed with more work. Now it would mean more time spent flipping cable channels and complaining. The attraction, she is gone. Plus, there are times – like hangovers – when sleeping is a blessing.

I wonder, if the technology was available and safe, how many folks would sign up to never sleep again. And if they did,  would that force the rest of us to do the same just to keep up? Man, that would irritate me. I resent all other humans now. I can’t imagine if you were keeping me up twenty-four hours a day.

J

AND I GOT SIDNEY’S LEG

The Non-Transformative Nature of Technology

Have you ever noticed how two things seem to be true of just about every generation, at least in the modern age: Every generation believes they are special and will change the world. Somehow they represent a new and innovative form of human and/or citizen, and every generation seems to believe we’re just about to enter the Epoch of Science Fiction, wherein technology, human evolution, and, well, who knows—maybe magic?—combine to transform life as we know it.

I don’t really expect this to ever happen, to be honest; technology has been marching on for thousands of years, and while the pace of development, invention, and adaptation appears to be increasing, so far nothing has quite managed to alter the fundamental aspect of humanity—what it means to be human. Technology certainly augments our abilities, but the goals we ply those abilities towards haven’t changed all that much, nor have our motives and limitations as a species.

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Coffee Apocalypse

I am starting to realize that my whole life revolves around liquids: Without coffee in the morning, I would be a zombie. Without whiskey in the evening, I would be insufferable (After reading something by absent friend Diamat, I suddenly have a craving for Rittenhouse Rye).

I am also toying with the idea that you can add the word “Apocalypse” to anything and create a cool doomsday scenario. COFFEE APOCALYPSE, people. See? Catchy. I sooooo want an Internet meme.

Of course, coffee wasn’t always with us humans, was it? And it may someday be replaced. You have to think about these things when you write SF – what will future humans (or their Giant Alien Ant Overlords) imbibe in the morning to regain sanity? Surely science will gift us with something more efficient than caffeine-suffused broth. Then again, have you seen some of the new-fangled food technologies? <Shudder> No thanks. Still one has to imagine these things, especially if you consider how much work and effort goes into getting your morning java to you. If your SF imagination tends to run dystopic, like mine does, you have to consider a horrible world without coffee, and the terrors it would hold.

But, not today, folks. Not today.

J

Radio Success

Well, Seven Second Delay last night was possibly the most fun I’ve had on the radio evah. First of all, it just proves my theory that Everything is Better In a Bar. Second of all, I got lightly made fun of for ten minutes, which is my idea of a good time.

I was joined by very funny comedian Adam Wade and very talented musician Dori Disaster. Dori provided a musical interlude so Andy Breckman could read a few pages of my book and pretend he knew all about it all along, and she was great.

If you’re so inclined, you can hear a stream of the show over at WFMU’s web page. I’m the first guest, so you won’t have to wait long, but listen to the whole thing, as it’s extremely fun. Thanks to everyone who showed up to drink and hoot at me, and anyone who tuned in.

Big-Assed Famous

Friends, I have arrived: I have finally made the local All-Things-Hoboken Web Site, Hoboken411.com. I can now begin stepping on all the little people. DAMN YOU, LITTLE PEOPLE, HOLDING ME BACK ALL THESE YEARS!

Although the photo they used of me makes me look like a hobo of some sort. Which means it’s entirely accurate, just unfortunate. This is why my official photos are all blurred. DAMN YOU AGAIN!

Also, Matt Good was kind enough to send me a link to his review of The Electric Church, which he apparently enjoyed, so check it out! Thanks, Matt!