Happy New Year

Well, here e are, the arbitrarily numbered year 2011. Whoop! We survived. Although I am reminded that life is a zero-sum game: None of us are getting out alive, kids.

I don’t do resolutions. First of all, the sheer number of things requiring improvement and modification in my life is staggering and, frankly, exhausting. And far too many of them involve cats. Which is the general speed of my entire life these days: Cats. Some people’s speed of life is Speedboat, or Champagne, or Battlestar Fucking Galactica. Mine is: Cats. Make of that what you will. So I don’t make boring little lists of goals. I mean, you want to do something, do it. It’s not complicated.

As a sort of general goal for life, however, I believe I have resolved to stop watching bad movies.

This might seem easy to do, yet I have failed at it for many years now. Somehow the books I read tend to be uniformly good. The music I purchase is generally what I want as a soundtrack, at least for the present. Yet about 50% of the movies I watch suck. The worst part? I know they suck before I watch them. I can’t explain it. If you shaved my head and showed me where they’d wired in the mind-control circuitry, man, I would not be surprised.

Movies are just too damn easy to watch these days. When I was a kid, you had to climb fucking mountains to see a movie. I remember actually paying to watch Who’s Harry Crumb? one night because all the good movies were sold out. And I swore, never again. But I don’t have to borrow my mom’s car and scrape together allowance to see movies any more. I press a button on my remote. The bar is too low, and I’ve gone soft from liquor and indolence. No more! I’m tightening shit up around here.

This might not matter much anyway, since the world is ending, according to insane people. I would welcome this, as I believe the instant removal of all these people would improve the world greatly. Even if the world was turned into a Lake of Fire afterwards, it would still be a better place. Wo0t! Still, I have to admit an abbreviated 2011 ending in Rapture relieves me of some responsibilities. I will spend the five months drinking and yelling abuse at the neighborhood children out my window. Good times.

So: Happy New Year, everyone! I’ll be starting up Ask Jeff Anything very shortly, so if any questions have occurred to you, send them along. And consider this: Why has no one asked Jeff to do something yet?


  1. Shayral

    Actually, in a sense the best bourbon question forced you to do something, as did the guitar playing.

    What I wonder though, is;

    What most fascinated you literature wise, then and now?

    But more importantly; What’ll happen after you’ve reduced the poor old Gweat And Tewwible to nothing but a tiny heap of smouldering ash?

  2. Ray

    I posted this at goodreads but I should have posted this here. So here it is…

    Happy new year to you as well.
    I’m with ya man. No more movies that suck. BUT how do we know they will suck? All the trailer releases these days make all the movies look fantastic. Yet as you are, I am also let down and have simply walked out on several movies this year. I NEVER USED TO DO THAT! I mean come on Hollywood! WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR WRITING TALENT?

    As to the worlds ending part..
    It is my resolution to take some Kendo lessons so when the crazy people try and fulfill the 2012 prophecy I can protect myself and household by wielding a Japanese Katana (that’s for when the bullets run out).

    As to the quitting drinking part..
    Well I have to for health reasons and I’ll die of I don’t. But you my friend..Please do not go the way of Metallica (Who started sucking after they quit partying). And Dave Mustaine (Same thing). Many artists have gone bland after they quit using drugs. As an artist we must create contrast in our lives. If we all live like robots then we will have robot art..Or something like that…
    OK…that was extreme. Maybe the World would be better off with sober people. I don’t think the World has ever seen this before.

    Ask Jeff anything ehh?
    OK. Who would win in a fight. Avery Cates or Tashiki Kovacs. Hmm…you might not know who that is.

  3. Sandra Cormier (Chumplet)

    If you don’t watch bad movies, what will you make fun of?

  4. jsomers (Post author)

    Sandra: Myself, of course.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.